50 shades of Green: Chapter Eight Finale

Chapter Eight: Life is a Beach

I tell my mom I’d like to go the beach, I just want to get away. I am in my green Mara Hoffman bikini, sipping a an iced tea, on a sun bed facing the Atlantic Ocean. My mother lounges beside me with a large green straw beach bag. After lunch back at the house, I change out of my American Eagle camo shorts and green Jen’s Pirate Booty tube top and take a warm bath and reflect on my crazy whirlwind romance with Mr. Green. I look back on the awkward meeting, the heavy flirtation, the cleverly written emails, the contract binding me to submission, the lavish gifts, and my inner goddess, Kelly, screaming yes to it all… Best part of it all, the sex was mind-blowing every single time (because doesn’t that just happen to every one?), and this all happened with the one and only guy that I found attractive (how convenient). I should have known it was all too good to be true.

When I entered into my first relationship, I was green. After falling head over heels, (usually on my hands and knees), literally and constantly, I finally figure out Mr. Green’s secret, which I mistook for a phobia to commitment. Turns out, Christopher (if that’s even his real name), tells me that the reason for everything going his way in his life was a few years ago in Ireland, he caught a leprechaun at the end of a rainbow, who revealed his pot of gold and granted him three wishes in exchange for his release. “What the fuck? Is that a joke?” That leprechaun story is almost as unbelievable as the one of a super hot, single, young, smart, well-dressed and well-versed in giving and getting multiple orgasms, self-made billionaire whose only desire is to sweep me, and only me, off of my feet. Guess the joke is on me because Mr. Green in so many words explained he was incapable of love. Womp womp.

I get out of the bath, dry off, get dressed and head out of the house with my Green Moxi Lolly Roller Skates. I’m not going to let some sadistic leprechaun thief ruin my St. Patrick’s Day. So I’ll be on my roller skates, rolling on, moving on.

**The 50 shades of Green posts are based on the book Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James** (not saying I would recommend it necessarily, but thought it would be a fun way to showcase 50 green things that I own to get in the spirit of St. Patrick’s Day)